Zombie Sex Guide

Sex Tips for Zombies

No Cure for Crotch Rot

This is the number-one enemy of zombies trying to hook up. Ongoing bodily decay means that your junk will probably fall off at some point. So don’t encourage it by yanking too hard when you jerk off. If you notice you’ve dropped something crucial, pick it up and try to superglue it back on.

Playing with Your Food

Besides being tasty and containing the nutrients that zombies need, brains make an excellent lube for jacking off or intercourse. And if you lick up the gray matter afterwards, you don’t have to waste a drop of precious amino acids.

Being Dead Takes the Sting Out

If you’re a zombie into S/M and kink, you’re out of luck. Zombies have no pain receptors, so you can be flogged till your flesh falls off and not feel a thing. Autoerotic asphyxiation becomes useless, along with body piercing and pretty much any other edge play that involves intense sensation or threat of bodily harm. You may have to get a vicarious thrill from dismembering a live human victim.

No More Safe Sex

Good news, zombies! You can throw your condoms and birth control away. Zombies do not reproduce sexually, so you don’t have to worry about accidental pregnancy (and the rest of us don’t have to worry about your evil zombie spawn). Also, since you’re already dead, STDs are kind of a non-issue. Herpes can’t be any worse than that “rash” you have now. Of course, some people think the zombie virus is a metaphor for AIDS, but…well, who cares? You’re dead! If you can’t party and play now, when can you?

Severed Hand Jobs

When giving a hand job, you should use your own hand, not one that you’ve ripped off one of your victims or found lying in the street. If you have to use your own severed limb, that’s OK.

Can I Have That Back?

If you get into a tight space, make sure you don’t get stuck, and always, always use plenty of lube. Otherwise you may end up losing fingers, limbs, or other appendages (see Crotch Rot) up your partner’s coochie or tailpipe.

I Only Have Eyes for You

Once you get zombified, acts that once seemed extreme, violent, and stomach turning become acceptable and even appealing – like skull fucking. Cranial penetration is ideal if your partner is already missing an eyeball – otherwise you have to negotiate the removal of the eye with its owner. Skull fucking is also great foreplay before a main course of – that’s right – BRAINS.

I’d Like a Piece of That

The putrid, rotting flesh of the undead does not lend itself well to love bites, nibbles, or giving hickeys. Chances are you’ll unintentionally bite off more than you can chew – like an ear or a shoulder. On the other hand, if you’re a zombie going after a living person, feel free to sink your incisors in – preferably into the neck, viscera, or the BRAINS.

Blow Jobs Suck

Oral sex can be challenging for zombies, especially if you’re in a state of advanced decay or have taken a lot of physical damage. The repetitive sucking and mouth movement can overtax the jaw joint and cause permanent dislocation of the mandible. In addition, your partner’s genitalia may have degenerated to the point of being unrecognizable. And if you thought the smell was bad before…

Tips for the Living

Stay Away from the Hot Dead Chick

If your necrophilia or poor judgment tempts you to get intimate with a zombie…don’t! It will not end well. Zombies come on strong and won’t take no for an answer, but they only want you for your juicy flesh and your brains. Not your intelligence – your BRAINS. On the other hand, if you are dumb enough or hard up enough to have sex with a zombie, maybe it’s just as well that you get taken out of the gene pool.

Threesomes to Die For

Zombies often travel in groups, so you may be propositioned by more than one zombie at a time. If getting it on with two chicks at once is high on your list of things to do before you die, go for it. You’ll find yourself in heaven…sooner than you expected.