Zombie Sex Guide
Sex Tips for Zombies
No Cure for Crotch Rot
This is the number-one enemy of zombies trying to hook up.
Ongoing bodily decay means that your junk will probably fall off at
some point. So don’t encourage it by yanking too hard when you jerk
off. If you notice you’ve dropped something crucial, pick it up and
try to superglue it back on.
Playing with Your Food
Besides being tasty and containing the nutrients that zombies
need, brains make an excellent lube for jacking off or intercourse.
And if you lick up the gray matter afterwards, you don’t have to
waste a drop of precious amino acids.
Being Dead Takes the Sting Out
If you’re a zombie into S/M and kink, you’re out of luck. Zombies
have no pain receptors, so you can be flogged till your flesh falls
off and not feel a thing. Autoerotic asphyxiation becomes useless,
along with body piercing and pretty much any other edge play that
involves intense sensation or threat of bodily harm. You may have to
get a vicarious thrill from dismembering a live human victim.
No More Safe Sex
Good news, zombies! You can throw your condoms and birth control
away. Zombies do not reproduce sexually, so you don’t have to worry
about accidental pregnancy (and the rest of us don’t have to worry
about your evil zombie spawn). Also, since you’re already dead, STDs
are kind of a non-issue. Herpes can’t be any worse than that “rash”
you have now. Of course, some people think the zombie virus is a
metaphor for AIDS, but…well, who cares? You’re dead! If you can’t
party and play now, when can you?
Severed Hand Jobs
When giving a hand job, you should use your own hand, not one
that you’ve ripped off one of your victims or found lying in the
street. If you have to use your own severed limb, that’s OK.
Can I Have That Back?
If you get into a tight space, make sure you don’t get stuck, and
always, always use plenty of lube. Otherwise you may end up losing
fingers, limbs, or other appendages (see Crotch Rot) up your
partner’s coochie or tailpipe.
I Only Have Eyes for You
Once you get zombified, acts that once seemed extreme, violent,
and stomach turning become acceptable and even appealing – like
skull fucking. Cranial penetration is ideal if your partner is
already missing an eyeball – otherwise you have to negotiate the
removal of the eye with its owner. Skull fucking is also great
foreplay before a main course of – that’s right – BRAINS.
I’d Like a Piece of That
The putrid, rotting flesh of the undead does not lend itself well
to love bites, nibbles, or giving hickeys. Chances are you’ll
unintentionally bite off more than you can chew – like an ear or a
shoulder. On the other hand, if you’re a zombie going after a living
person, feel free to sink your incisors in – preferably into the
neck, viscera, or the BRAINS.
Blow Jobs Suck
Oral sex can be challenging for zombies, especially if you’re in
a state of advanced decay or have taken a lot of physical damage.
The repetitive sucking and mouth movement can overtax the jaw joint
and cause permanent dislocation of the mandible. In addition, your
partner’s genitalia may have degenerated to the point of being
unrecognizable. And if you thought the smell was bad before…
Tips for the Living
Stay Away from the Hot Dead Chick
If your necrophilia or poor judgment tempts you to get intimate
with a zombie…don’t! It will not end well. Zombies come on strong
and won’t take no for an answer, but they only want you for your
juicy flesh and your brains. Not your intelligence – your BRAINS. On
the other hand, if you are dumb enough or hard up enough to have sex
with a zombie, maybe it’s just as well that you get taken out of the
Threesomes to Die For
Zombies often travel in groups, so you may be propositioned by
more than one zombie at a time. If getting it on with two chicks at
once is high on your list of things to do before you die, go for it.
You’ll find yourself in heaven…sooner than you expected.